Is uncommit an actual word? I’m not sure. But for our purposes here we will use it to describe the act of ending a commitment that has already been made. We’ve all been there. The leadership role that is taking up more time than it should. The trip we planned months ago that doesn’t fit into our priorities anymore. The job that isn’t worth all the stress and the little amount of pay. Maybe it is a relationship that is taking way more than it is giving.
You are allowed to uncommit in these situations.
I use the word uncommit instead of quit for a couple reasons. First of all, this could be a decision just for a season. Uncommitting leaves room for the ability to commit again if priorities allow or circumstances change. Secondly, quitting can often times feel too harsh or too permanent when we are in the “trying on” phase of making a decision. If we have only known one thing up to this point, living without that one thing may feel impossible or not even close to being an option. Until we try it on. Until we allow for a little space from that role or mindset or identity. We may end up finding that we love our life without this and in that case it may turn into quitting. But we start by uncommitting.
We Have Strong Thoughts About Sticking With Things
We spend so much time and energy when these situations arise in our lives. Time thinking about them. Time talking about them with others. Time stressing about what to do. And often, we continue on in them because ultimately we feel bad uncommitting. Whether it is the fear of letting others down or some internalized belief about ending a commitment we have, we often feel it is easier just to stick it out and power through than to choose to uncommit.
So here is your permission to uncommit.
I know. You said you’d follow through. And there are such good things about being a person who follows through on your word. But only you know when you are just being lazy and when something is tearing you up inside. (If you find yourself not following through with anything, this may be something else to look into, but you probably wouldn’t have found your way to this blog if this describes you).
My Own Uncommitment
I’ve shared before about giving up my D1 scholarship my freshman year in college. My whole identity had been being an athlete, I worked my whole life up to this point to compete at this level. After I signed my scholarship to dive at the University of Illinois, the coach who recruited me left for another program. I got to campus in August and I absolutely hated every minute of practice with the coach who replaced him. I couldn’t wait for practice to be over every day and I looked forward to my one day off a week more than anything else in my college life.
Whether it is the fear of letting others down or some internalized belief about ending a commitment we have, we often feel it is easier just to stick it out and power through than to choose to uncommit.
My parents could tell something was wrong and spent most of my one weekend off that Fall letting me know that enjoying my college experience was so much more important than what I could accomplish in the pool. I am literally so thankful for this intervention of sorts.
Up to this point, I had never uncommitted or quit anything in my life. Looking back I think I prided myself on this fact. I made the decision to quit (tried on the uncommitment in my head and I knew it was the right decision to make) and told my coach and teammates the next week. This very hard, terrifying situation I had thought up in my head went so much better in real life (maybe this is the only positive of being an over thinker?).
The best part was that once I worked up the courage to have this conversation, it was over. I immediately felt the relief that came with uncommitting. The world kept spinning. The Illinois Swimming & Diving Team kept swimming and diving. And I started to actually enjoy college for the first time since moving to campus.
Could I have powered through and kept my commitment? Absolutely. I have no doubt that I could have sucked it up and grown immensely as a diver. I probably could have even had a little fun while I was at it. But it absolutely was not worth the overall college experience I would have had if I didn’t uncommit. This was not a flippant decision that was taken lightly. This wasn’t the next in a series of things I couldn’t follow through on. This was a long, thought-through decision that carried a lot of weight in my mind and my life.
It was a hard decision, but it was the right decision.
Where Might You Need to Uncommit?
Is there something in your life that you feel is weighing you down? Any commitment that makes your stomach sink when you think about it? An item in your schedule that you just can’t wait to get through every single time it shows up on your calendar? Pay attention to these feelings. Feel these feelings. Then work up the courage to act on them. Whether it is talking with a friend, parent or mentor or simply taking time to reflect and journal on your own, create that space to actually figure out how your feelings relate to what to do next. If your decision is to uncommit, follow through on that decision in whatever the clearest, most direct way possible is. Leaving loose ends is not only confusing for you, but to the others involved in your decision as well.
And then, enjoy the freedom that comes with choosing to uncommit. It’s okay for there to feel like a huge hole has been created in your life. We often need space like this to grow.
Try not to rush to fill that void (pay attention to what you are consuming and craving in the aftermath of a decision like this — all the ice cream, alcohol, Netflix or attention?) and enjoy the ability to just be for a while. Create some healthy rhythms and routines. Here are some ideas for your mornings and evenings. You can add to your life by subtracting in this season. Allow things to settle down and afterwards, look around — you might find that the world keeps on spinning around you as well.
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